


Fairytales are sexist and I hope you all die

by poD7et, rabidbinbadger



Series: Tales from the Bunker [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, claire is fed up of apocalypses, everyone is fed up of dragons, i meant dragons, intense bitterness, just let the poor dragons sleep in peace, people need to stop releasing dragons, seriously, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-08 09:30:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6848953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poD7et/pseuds/poD7et, https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabidbinbadger/pseuds/rabidbinbadger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cheaper than therapy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fairytales are sexist and I hope you all die

Once again, no one volunteers, forcing Becky to just go for the next work on the pile. 

“Claire’s next. Is everyone ready?” 

She takes the overwhelming lack of response as confirmation, begins.

“Once upon a time there was a kingdom far far away by the name of Suburbia-”

“I see what you did there.” Crowley interrupts.

Becky fixes him in a stern glare, and he rolls his eyes, but lets her carry on.

“In this kingdom there lived a family. They weren’t like Kings or Queens or some magical mystical lost royalty because that’s a load of ass just because you happened to be born into some dumb inbred family doesn’t mean you should be in charge of everyone have fun fucking your cousins while you fuck over every single other person just because you happen to be born lucky and they got the shit end of the wealth stick you goddamn asswipes.”  Whereas when most people read an angry monologue without enough commas, they tend to build up steam and try to actually convey the emotions being gouged onto the page in entirely too heavy pen, that isn’t Becky’s style. Becky reads it out in the most bored, tired monotone that someone could manage and still be awake. 

“Is this gonna be a long one, because man, I call beer and potty break.” Dean interrupts.

“Now, Dean. Be respectful and listen to your stepdaughter’s story.” Crowley rolls his eyes.

“She’s not--”

“He’s not--” Claire and Dean both yell at the same time.

“Like father like daughter.”

“Shut the fuck up. Who even are you?” Claire sneers.

“Long story, darling. Won’t bore you with it.”

“Why’s she  _ Dean’s _ daughter?” Jody interrupts, looking greatly harrumphed. As well she has right to be. Dean isn’t the one dealing with her - frankly exhausting - teenage bullshit, 24/7. 

“Well let’s see, Cas is puppeteering her actual dad, sitting in his spine and twitching his nerve endings, I think that’s enough to make  _ him  _ her dad. And traditionally I believe the non-relative that the father is fucking is referred to as the step parent--”

“I’m not in love with Cas!” Dean spits.

Crowley pins him in a pitying look, Charlie shakes her head, Sam doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry, Claire looks like she’s about to stop playing  _ who shall I kill first? _ in her head and just go for what feels natural. Cas is the only one who doesn’t react, because not only is he not listening, he’s still busy adding annotations to his story.

“No-one mentioned the L word, Dean.” Crowley says, witheringly.

“Can we please just get back to the story?!” Becky asks, tired, exasperated, having a very bad birthday.

“Whatever.” Dean retreats to get a beer, blushing bright red and wishing fervently that somehow he could cease to exist on the walk between the living room and the kitchen.

“So this normal family were living their normal life and everything was cool. And then one day this magical spirit appeared to the dad, and told him to stick his head in a wolf’s mouth. So the idiot dad went out and found a wolf and stuck his head in its mouth and the wolf bit him, but he didn’t get his face caved in, he was totally fine because the douche spirit was protecting him.

“He didn’t think it was a douche spirit though, he thought it was great, so great that when the spirit asked him if it could come and sit in his body to do some really important work, he didn’t - like any normal person would - say fuck off. He decided he wanted to be special and said yes.”

Charlie and Sam share a look. Sam looks pained, Charlie shrugs. This is probably cathartic, and hey, it’s cheaper than therapy.

“So the spirit takes the dad out for a joyride - sorry, because of some great ~plan~ - and doesn’t bother to tell the rest of the family what’s going on, it just leaves them for a whole year. Then the dad comes back and for like five minutes, they all think everything is going to be fine, but no. Because of what the spirit did, there are evil witches after the dad, so they all nearly end up dead.

“And who are they saved by? The daughter. She was forced to let the spirit into her because everyone else was about to get killed and she did that even knowing what it had done to her dad and how much it’d hurt him. But she did it anyway, and everything was shit and terrible, and even though she made that sacrifice the dad still died and the mom left and she was left all alone. 

“And she was fine with that, until the nosey fucking bastard spirit, who was still wearing her dad like a glove, decided to start interfering. And at first she hated him and wanted him and his stupid friend to die, but eventually she decided he was only like 90% douche not the full 100% and she ended up living with another family and did some killing monsters on the side. And she somehow managed to do this without releasing an evil dragon - unlike some people she could think of who did that, and then realised they couldn’t kill that dragon so they thought the best thing to do would be to release an even bigger dragon to kill that dragon, and then they realised that they also couldn’t kill that one, and instead of learning from their mistakes they released an even BIGGER dragon.

“So basically she lived happily ever after until eventually she was eaten by a fucking dragon because some people nEVER LEARN.”

“I KNOW THAT WAS AIMED AT ME.” Dean yells from the kitchen.

“It was aimed at  _ all of you. _ ” Claire corrects. “So thanks, guys.”

“This is supposed to be a birthday party.” Charlie puts on her best Marge Simpson voice. “Kids, can you lighten up a little.”

Cas suddenly perks up from the corner.

“I understood that reference.” He crows, like he expects a biscuit or something. He gets a pained smile from Charlie. Close enough.

“Yeah guys,” Becky says sulkily. “This was supposed to be my special day, and you’re all ruining it with your weird bitterness. Has anyone got a story that I’ll actually  _ enjoy? _ ”

No hands are raised.

  
  



End file.
